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My whole body was tensed, my heart was pumping. I was sure of an imminent attack. But there was no evidence of an enemy. It was just me and the reflection of my naked body in a huge mirror. Was I going nuts? More on that in a second. Hence, I was also lying to the people around me: my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my co-workers…the whole world! I was a weird type of pathological liar underneath my smile. And nobody knew. Not even me.
I was living inside a mental projection called the Nice Girl. I was not myself. I was not in touch with my true feelings. I was amazed when I realized this. Your self-image as a Nice Girl is constructed around the idea that you have to be nice to everyone in order to be loved and accepted.
But try to say that to a Nice Girl! So you have to do things and be in certain ways to be loved. What to do?
Start by accepting and loving yourself just the way you are now. I know, easier said than done, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. And then replace the scolding with a loving thought. And he will take credit for it. Your girlfriend is trying on a dress that you think makes her look like a hot-dog. And you treat them as if they were fragile crystal glasses that will break at the first wind blow. On the long term they will appreciate it or you will go on separate ways. However, if you look at your past relationships you will find a common thread: they were all based on at least one key factor.
This factor assured the impossibility of the relationship to ever turn into a fully committed one. What is this key factor? It can be any of these and sometimes they are combined. As a rule of thumb: you choose a man that for some reason is unavailable to fully commit to a relationship.
You stay with him as long as that barrier is there so you have something to fight for. Of course, there are some beautiful long lasting relationships that prove the contrary. But those are usually the exceptions to the rule. Hmm, this a tricky one. You need to realize the pattern and then walk away the moment you notice it. Actually this one falls apart the moment you start loving and appreciating yourself.
Mind you: there will also be many fall backs. I am not saying there is something wrong in doing some of those things sometimes. The sad thing is, that if you are a Nice Girl, you might not even be aware of your needs. Once he made sure the wounded person was in good hands he continued doing his thing. Take care of others but remember you are the most important person in your life. You have learned from an early age that smiling makes the world smile back. Which is true. I know. Unless they are shiny and happy.
First to those around you, then to yourself. It becomes automatic. Start by becoming aware of your smile. And then consciously choose not to smile if that is not how you really feel. Do this for a day. And if you are brave do it for a week or more. Then tell me how it went, how you felt. You might feel like dying. Which is not far from the truth. A part of you is dying. You are always trying so hard to please everyone that the slightest criticism is perceived like an act of injustice. You are doing all this efforts to be nice and perfect and this is not enough?
Admitting that you might sometimes behave like an angry bitch, a liar, an arrogant, a self conscious, a bossy or a self centered person, oblivious to the needs of those around her, makes you churn and deny everyone of them. Start looking honestly at your so called negative traits. They are all parts of you. Mind you, this is a powerful process. You might feel like going nuts sometimes. Like you might start screaming in front of a mirror believing you are going to die. Or maybe this will not happen to you. It happened to me, though. Did I go nuts? Yes, but not in real life.
It sure felt very real until I woke up. And a few minutes after that. It was a dream I had one night after I started to work on accepting my shadows. My unconscious mind was so troubled by this process that it gave me this nightmare. I gave you a lot of stuff to think about. If you are not a Nice Girl all this might have seemed unreal and a lot of BS. So this is not for you. If you recognized some of the 7 symptoms in yourself start working on one.
Take just one, and for the next week ponder on it. Become aware of the times when you act from it. Just be curious and open about it. Laugh when you catch yourself acting automatically as a Nice Girl. There is a beautiful, authentic you underneath the mask. Do yourself and the world a huge favor and let it shine! Even if you recognize just one but it has a big impact on the quality of your life, seek professional help, look for a therapist to work one on one and for a support group to help you go through this.
So please seek help and make sure you have proper support to help you go through this process. For me this books has been a life changer, so I totally recommend it if You recognise any of the Nice Girl symptoms in yourself. Photo Credit: greekadman via Compfight cc. I had a big issue to overcome no 7 from your list, was one of my important lesson in my life. This book describes myself. I am tired of bring used and tired of being nice. Also tired of falling for the same type of guy that is not worth it.
Its time for me to learn to standup for myself and learn to love myself first. Show love for yourself a little bit more every day. So glad I found you! I am over 50 and am now realizing that this was my life! I am on my way now to being the REAL me with my family. When you go into this mode, your body sends you a powerful narcotic — a drug that washes over you with the feeling of comfort. This is very addictive!
Your tips are going to help me through this Raluca! Thanks so much! Hey, Carly, thank you for your words! So happy to hear this article helped you. I think I am a semi nice girl. I like video games, action and superhero movies, billiards and other games, sports, and I like being more natural than wearing too much makeup. But yeah idk. I try too hard to be perfect — in everything. Save my name,and website in this browser for the next time I comment. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
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